Articles Posted in Sunday Spoof

It was almost three years ago, February 26, 2006, that this Sunday Spoof first appeared.  In the last three years, I have added another daughter and a few pounds.  But the effort of doctors to limit their responsibility for harm caused by their negligence continues, as does the fiction that doctors are leaving Tennessee because we don’t have caps on damages. 

Secret Memo Discovered in Hotel Bar!

I found this memo at an empty corner table in the bar in the basement of the Hermitage Hotel in downtown Nashville, sitting on table next to an empty bottle of Opus and two wine glasses.

To: TMA Director for Tort Reform

The Capitol and Legislative Plaza is abuzz with discussion about a bill introduced in the Tennessee would ban the sale of dildos effective July 1, 2006. The legislation passed first reading on February 27, 2006 and will now work its way through the committee system.

The bill would make it illegal to sell, advertise, publish or exhibit to another person “any three- dimensional device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.”

Certain exceptions will be built into the proposed law. If you are a college student or faculty member you can have a dildo if they are “teaching or pursuing a course of study related to such device.” Use of the device can be prescribed by a doctor or psychologist “in the course of medical or psychological treatment or care.” And, the devices may be available in historical societies, libraries and museums.

The National Association of Wrongdoers (“NAW”) gave Vice President Cheney its “Sharpshooter Award” last night at its annual convention. The theme of the meeting, held at the Ritz Carlton in Bermuda, was “Invest in America.”

The Sharpshooter Award is given as appropriate to the American citizen who best demonstrates the characteristics of Aaron Burr.

Charles Winthrop Hamilton VI, President of NAW and CEO,COO,CFO and President of American International Metals, Inc., LLC (“AIM”) commented that the Vice President had achieved great success in American politics and was viewed as a “hawk” by the world despite the fact that he refused to serve in the military himself. “This is a real stroke of genuis,” Mr. Hamilton remarked. “If the Vice President had brought these skills to Madison Avenue rather than Pennsylvania Avenue we would all be drinking New Coke. A man who can successfully attack the patriotism of John Kerry and Max Cleland while bearing more student deferments than Abby Hoffman has got a real gift.”

President George W. Bush attacked “greedy trial lawyers” again Saturday, explaining that frivilous lawsuits caused millions of Americans not to have ready access to Krispy Kreme and other brands of doughnuts.

Speaking at the 114th annual National Association of Doughnut Manufacturers and Retailers Convention in Sweetwater, Texas, the President explained that 7398 counties in America did not have a Krispy Kreme store. “The only possible explanation for this travesty is stupid lawsuits against the sellers of these wonderful doughnuts. We must get greedy trial lawyers out of the kitchens making up this important industry.”

When asked to identify a single lawsuit against a doughnut manufacturer or retailer, the President wiped some jelly off the corner of his mouth and explained that he was sure that read about some of these lawsuits “on the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal. Or maybe Sports Illustrated.” But, he said, “it makes no difference whether there are any lawsuits yet or not. You and I both know that they are coming. By the way, pass me one of those with the peanut crumbles on it, will ya?”

President Bush admitted today that he authorized the National Security Agency and the Central Intelligence Agency to listen to telephone calls to and from restaurants that serve pizza. “We must keep our nation free from future terrorist attacks,” argued the President, “and we have irrefutable evidence that two of the 9-11 terrorists ate pizza three days before that dark day in our nation’s history.”

A reporter from National Public Radio asked the President about the millions of calls being intercepted every day from Americans interested in doing nothing more than ordering a pizza. The President reminded her that honest people have nothing to fear from wiretaps, and then recommended that the next time she ordered a large, four-cheese pizza from Guido’s on Dupont Circle she should ask for a free order of breadsticks.

Vice President Cheney also addressed the assembled group, reminding them the United States must be free to do whatever it takes to protect the security of the nation. A reporter from Fox News asked Cheney how long the wiretaps would continue and Cheney remarked “until the terrorist threat is eliminated, a task made more difficult by Senator McCain and those other liberals in the Senate.” He then mentioned to the reporter that the peppers and mushrooms the reporter liked on his sausage pizza were usually fresher at the Pizza Hut in Georgetown than they were at the Pizza Hut on Capitol Hill.

Locked Nest Mobster
By
Howard H. Vogel
Guest Spoofer

Nashville, Tennessee – December 18, 2005

Anonymous sources high up in the Bredesen administration announced today a break through in the Food for Tickets investigation that spans the administrations of four Tennessee governors. In a recent raid upon a locked janitors closet at a Department of Safety facility in Nashville, an elderly and morbidly obese highway patrol officer was found amid hundreds of traffic citations and acid reflux medication bottles.

A spokesman for Merck announced today that its scientists have discovered a link between between recent hurricane activity in the Gulf of Mexico and the lawyers that are suing the company over its multi-billion dollar drug, Vioxx.

“The scientists have Merck have determined that greedy trial lawyers are the cause of Katrina and Rita,” Merck spokesman Phillip (“Flip”) Glanton said in a press conference earlier today. “Congress must act immediately to stop greedy trial lawyers from filing frivilous lawsuits before the entire Gulf Coast is destroyed.”

When pressed to explain the link between well-known Acts of God that have existed for centuries and trial lawyers, Glanton handed out a 215-page, single-spaced document that he said was prepared by Merck’s best scientists. “Our team of scientists has found that a Category 4 hurricane did not hit New Orleans until after the Vioxx litigation was consolidated in the federal courts in New Orleans. Greedy trial lawyers filed the Vioxx lawsuits, and therefore they are the cause of Katrina. It is a scientific fact.”