Guest Sunday Spoof

Locked Nest Mobster
By
Howard H. Vogel
Guest Spoofer

Nashville, Tennessee – December 18, 2005

Anonymous sources high up in the Bredesen administration announced today a break through in the Food for Tickets investigation that spans the administrations of four Tennessee governors. In a recent raid upon a locked janitors closet at a Department of Safety facility in Nashville, an elderly and morbidly obese highway patrol officer was found amid hundreds of traffic citations and acid reflux medication bottles.

For years, the officer, whose name is being withheld at this time, pending notification of his primary care physician, maintained his food for tickets operation out of this hidden calorie command post. Cleverly marked “janitors closet”, the room is thought to have been functioning otherwise unnoticed for over 15 years.

The first reported incident was during the McWherter administration and referred to as the “chicken fried steak for ticket incident”. It was reported by an out of state traveler, who was stopped near Alamo, Tennessee, and offered a waiver of a freshly written citation for a chicken fried steak dinner at a nearby roadside restaurant. An earlier report of foie gras for a ticket incident during the Alexander administration was considered unfounded.

Internationally known food for tickets profiler Chick Van Slick was recently retained by the Bredesen administration to assist in the investigation. Van Slick was able to lead the team of investigators to the trooper’s fast food lair after a month of analysis of available reports. It seems that the scam had matured to focus around Davidson County Interstate exits with nearby McDonald’s. Always involving out of state travelers, a pattern developed with a recurring encounter theme of “you deserve a break today”. One bold motorist attempted a variation and offered a sack of Krystal hamburgers instead, and was actually given the traffic citation by what was reported as a very angry officer.

Van Slick, who broke the burritos for tickets criminal justice cartel in Southern California last year, said these food for tickets scams are common around the country. It is not your father’s donut deal anymore. It gives new meaning to the phrase “blue light special”.

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Howard Vogel is an excellent lawyer from lawyer who now focuses his practice on serving as a mediator. He has mediated over 1100 cases, including a significant number of the the most high profile cases in the State of Tennessee.
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