The National Association of Wrongdoers (“NAW”) gave Vice President Cheney its “Sharpshooter Award” last night at its annual convention. The theme of the meeting, held at the Ritz Carlton in Bermuda, was “Invest in America.”
The Sharpshooter Award is given as appropriate to the American citizen who best demonstrates the characteristics of Aaron Burr.
Charles Winthrop Hamilton VI, President of NAW and CEO,COO,CFO and President of American International Metals, Inc., LLC (“AIM”) commented that the Vice President had achieved great success in American politics and was viewed as a “hawk” by the world despite the fact that he refused to serve in the military himself. “This is a real stroke of genuis,” Mr. Hamilton remarked. “If the Vice President had brought these skills to Madison Avenue rather than Pennsylvania Avenue we would all be drinking New Coke. A man who can successfully attack the patriotism of John Kerry and Max Cleland while bearing more student deferments than Abby Hoffman has got a real gift.”
“And the Halliburton – Iraq thing,” said Hamilton, “how do you pull something like that off? Multibillion dollar no-bid contracts to the corporation you headed before you went back to the public sector? I am telling you, the man is gifted.”
“Of course, all of those things all pale in comparison to the events of last weekend,” explained Hamilton. “The Vice President managed to shoot a lawyer, the fantasy of every NAW member. In the face. With a shotgun. Simply amazing.”
When told that the victim was a friend of the Vice President, Hamilton remarked “that is the real genius of it. It is hard to sneak up on those slippery bastards without the cover of friendship. And, of course, without it they might shoot back. You know how they are.”
The Vice President was unable to personally accept the gift (a life-sized, autographed Charlton Heston action figure bearing the Ten Commandments in one hand and an Uzi in the other) because he was speaking at a meeting of the American Bar Association in Des Moine. His speech, “Why the President Must Have the Power to Listen to Your Telephone Calls With Foreigners Without the Interference of a Pesky Liberal Federal Judge Who Insists on Following an Outdated Federal Law Passed By A Congress Full of Liberals and Signed into Law by a Georgia Cracker Who Was in the Military But Who Admitted to Lusting in His Heart over Women Other Than His Wife” was well-received by both attendees (who were wearing Kevlar body armour).
The Vice President did issue this statement, however. “I am deeply sorry that Mr.Whittington attempted to throw himself between the pellets gently propelled from my small-gauge weapon and the pesky, crop-destroying creatures I was attempting to harvest. Had I known that Mr. Whittington was one of those nutty PETA liberals I would not have accepted his invitiation to join him on a hunting trip. I am confident that Mr. Whittington will accept full responsibility for his actions as soon as he is able to speak.”
The statement added the following: “I am not worthy of the NAW’s Aaron Burr-inspired Sharpshooter Award. My achievements pale in comparison to his.”
Cheney left Des Moine to attend a ceremony of the opening of the first oil well in Glacier National Park.
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