Day on Torts

The University of Notre Dame has released its football schedule for 2007:

September 1             Air Force (home)

September 8             Navy (home)

September 15           Army (home)

September 22          Duke (home)

September 29          Rice (home)

October 6                Temple (home)

October 13              New Mexico State (home)

October 20               MTSU  (home)

October 27               Vanderbilt  (homecoming)

November 3              Iowa State (home)

November 10           Baylor  (home)

November 17           Syracruse  (home)

November 24           Tulane (home)

Kevin White, Notre Dame's AD, also released the following statement:

"We are pleased to announce our 2007 football schedule.  This schedule is designed to maintain our long-standing rivalries while at the same time exposing our student athletes to other student athletes from around the nation.

We recognize that it is unusual to play an entire season of home games.  However, our research has shown that teams enjoy coming to our historic and beautiful campus to play and we are pleased to give each team the opportunity to come to Northern Indiana.  The lack of any travel time will permit our student athletes and band members to better concentrate on their studies."

The Capitol and Legislative Plaza is abuzz with discussion about a bill introduced in the Tennessee would ban the sale of dildos effective July 1, 2006. The legislation passed first reading on February 27, 2006 and will now work its way through the committee system.

The bill would make it illegal to sell, advertise, publish or exhibit to another person "any three- dimensional device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs."

Certain exceptions will be built into the proposed law. If you are a college student or faculty member you can have a dildo if they are "teaching or pursuing a course of study related to such device." Use of the device can be prescribed by a doctor or psychologist "in the course of medical or psychological treatment or care." And, the devices may be available in historical societies, libraries and museums.

The bill has drawn interest from an unusual number of special interest groups. Those opposed to the bill include the following:

(a) National Association of "AA" Battery Manufacturers.

(b) National Association of "D" Battery Manufacturers.

(c) National Association of Produce Wholesalers and Retailers.

(d) American Civil Liberties Union.

(e) Romance Novel Writers and Publishers Association.

(f) Tennessee Candle Sellers Group.

(g) American Association of Traveling Husbands.

(h) The writers of HBO's "Real Sex" series.

(i) The "Sex in the City" Fan Club, Nashville Chapter.

Only two groups have announced support for the bill. One is the Sexual Device Manufacturers Consortium. Its spokesman said this: "We believe that this legislation will triple the price of our product. Is there anyway we can get the Congress to pass a similar bill?" The other group is the National Association of Chain Drug Stores. (In what it said was an unrelated development, Walgreen's has announced that it is adding 500 square feet to every pharmacy in the state. The additions will be complete by June 30, 2006.)

The opponents of the legislation have created a political action committee called "VibraPACor." Political contributions will be made to legislators and candidates based on a numerical scale, "4", "3" "2", and "Rock Your World." Contributions to VibraPACor will be accepted from the general public via phone at 1 (800) VIBRATE. The organization's website is www.keepdildossafeandlegal.com.

Several amendments are floating around Capitol Hill. One amendment would make dildo possession a misdemeanor. Recognizing that this could overburden our criminal justice system, the amendment includes a "Dildo Amnesty Day" each April 1. On that date each year, people would be permitted to take dildos to various collections points around the state and not fear criminal prosecution. The amendment has a $5,000,000 fiscal note for landfill disposal fees.

Another amendment would permit the sale of dildos, but only within a certain yet-to-be negotiated size range. One sponsor of this amendment, who refused to be identified, said the dildos outside the range should be outlawed because they are either "ineffective, dangerous, or just plain nasty."

But perhaps the most surprising and vocal opponent to the legislation is the National Rifle Association. Its President issued the following statement: "If enacted into law, this bill would permit some over-zealous liberal prosecutor to jail some of our loyal members for possessing a gun. You know how some of our folks feel about their guns, and guns are three-dimensional devices. This bill is a thinly-veiled attempt to limit Second Amendment rights. If dildos are outlawed, only outlaws will have dildos."

This Sunday Spoof represents a breach of trust in my role as a blogger. Sunday Spoofs are supposed to be pure fiction, but the first three paragraphs of this Spoof are absolutely true. Senate Bill 3974 has in fact been introduced into the General Assembly but, unfortunately, it has not yet been posted on the Internet. You can read the Nashville Scene's take on the bill here. You can read Senate Bill 3794 for yourself by going to this site (the bill should be available any day now).

I am embarrassed to say that I lack the imagination to concoct legislation on this subject. Or perhaps I'm not.

What is a Sunday Spoof?

Read more Sunday Spoofs here.

I found this memo at an empty corner table in the bar in the basement of the Hermitage Hotel in downtown Nashville, sitting on table next to an empty bottle of Opus and two wine glasses.

To: TMA Director for Tort Reform

From: AMA Vice President for Tort Reform

Date February 24, 2006

Re: CONFIDENTIAL - FOR YOUR EYES ONLY - MFA PROGRAM

As we discussed on the telephone, our MFA (Moving for Access) plan will be in full force and effect on July 1, 2006. This memo will give you an overview of MFA; complete details will come in a notebook that has been shipped to you.

Since 1975 we have tried to convince state legislatures around the country that caps on damages will reduce medical malpractice insurance premiums. Some legislators bought this without proof that it would occur, and given what has happened in states that adopted caps we are having some credibility problems. We are afraid that sooner or later legislators will begin to figure out that our members own many of the insurance companies that insure doctors and that the reason for the recent significant increases in malpractice premiums was the failure to have reasonable rate increases during the 1990s, based on the mistaken assumption that our companies would continue to earn high levels of investment income. We are also concerned that sooner or later someone will figure out that as long as medical expenses run over twice the rate of inflation the cost of insuring doctors for malpractice will always increase at a rate above the rate of inflation.

Therefore, we determined that we needed to develop a new plan to get blood-sucking trial lawyers off our backs. We have done nationwide polling and focus groups in sixteen different states. As a result of those efforts, we have embarked upon to a new plan to motivate state legislatures to enact caps on damages and limit the fees of greedy lawyers (which will make it economically unfeasible to bring cases against our members). The new plan is this: the reason we need caps on damages is because doctors are leaving states without caps on damages and people are being denied access to health care, particularly in rural areas. This resonates with many legislators and with the general public; people are afraid of not having a doctor there when they need one, even if they moved to an area without a doctor. Therefore, this new plan greatly increases our chance of success in the remaining non-cap states, including Tennessee, and our likelihood of preserving caps in states that already have them. Of course, we will continue to depict lawyers as the demons they are - our efforts (and those of the Chamber of Commerce, etc.) over the last 20 years have got that impression firmly imbedded in the minds of the public.

Here is the problem: when asked, we are having difficulty documenting that doctors are actually leaving the practice of medicine or moving to a state with caps. In fact, the number of doctors in states like Tennessee is actually increasing and the only evidence we have that some doctors are leaving is anecdotal. While this will fool some legislators, clearly anyone who approaches the issue with a shred of objectivity will want to see some actual evidence that physicians are leaving a given state, that they are leaving because of the risk of liability in a state without damage caps, and that patients are at risk for harm.

We have encouraged each member state to do a poll of the members to document physician attitudes toward and concerns about litigation, etc. and your state has done one. However, if anyone who understands polling looks at the questions asked and the framework in which the questions were posed they will recognize the effort for what it was: push-polling, plain and simple. Therefore, while we will continue to use our polls, we have determined that more aggressive action is necessary.

So, to get some hard data, we developed "Moving For Access." MFA is a plan to move doctors out of Tennessee and the other forty-nine states. The basic plan is this: a total of 17.9% of the AMA members in Tennessee will have to move to another state. To have doctor flight consistent with our public position, 5.1% of urban doctors must leave and 29.5% of rural doctors must leave (which will result in a total shift of 17.9% of doctors).

In other parts of the country, doctors are being shifted to other states with similar populations. (The exact percentage will differ from state to state to avoid the appearance of concerted effort.) For example, California doctors are going to New York and New York doctors are going to California. Doctors in Montana are moving to North Dakota, and vice versa. However, this will not work in Tennessee. Why? Well, in 1975 we convinced a majority of legislators that Tennessee had a different standard of care that was known only to doctors in contiguous states. If anyone ever figures out that we were shipping Tennessee doctors to Wisconsin and Cheesehead doctors to Tennessee we are at risk of losing not only the caps we hope to get but also all of the restrictions on malpractice suits we won in 1975. (We will also be denied the opportunity to export the "contiguous state rule" to other states.) Therefore, we have adjusted our nationwide plan to accommodate the unique environment in Tennessee; Tennessee doctors will be moved to contiguous states and an equal number of doctors from those states will move to Tennessee.

This plan protects patients, because every doctor will be replaced by another doctor of the same specialty in the same locale. To be sure, some patients will complain about getting a new doctor, but we can blame that on greedy trial lawyers.

Everything will be administered here in Chicago, but undoubtedly you will get calls from your members who have questions about MFA. We have prepared a list of FAQs and responses thereto for your use.

This memo is HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL. It is for your eyes only. Direct your office to refer all calls from doctors concerning this plan to you.

MFA - Frequently Asked Questions
Q. How was I selected to move?

A. The initial basis for your selection was your location. If there were multiple doctors in your specialty in your location your name was drawn at random thorough a computer program developed with funding received from a federal grant.

Q. When will I be moving?

A. Your actual move date will be July 1, 2006. However, your move will be announced to your local newspaper(s) and your local radio and television station(s) on appropriate dates in advance of your actual move, as determined by the MFA HQ. MFA's Office of Media Relations will draft the press releases about your move and you will be given a briefing on what to say if you are contacted by the press. (Your briefing will count as Continuing Medical Education credit.) The announcements will start after March 1 to maximize the effect on local legislators in this legislative session.

Q. Why I am moving?

A. You are moving because "you can't stand the pressure of practicing medicine in a state without caps on non-economic losses and limitations on fees for greedy trial lawyers." You will be given help with this in your Media Relations Training Program, but for the time being you are to repeat this exact phrase to every reporter, legislator, and patient who asks you why you are leaving. Practice it on your spouse and your children until it sounds like you believe it.

Q. What are non-economic losses?

A. Don't worry about that.

Q. Can I take my family with me?

A. Yes.

Q. Do I have to pay my own moving expenses?

A No. Senator Frist sponsored and passed legislation that provides that doctors who move to rural areas during FY 2006 are fully reimbursed for their moving expenses by the federal government.

Q. But I'm been told I am moving to (Atlanta) (Louisville) (Charlotte) (Raleigh-Durham) (Birmingham)!!!!

A. Don't worry about it - each of those cities is defined as "rural areas" in the Senator's legislation.

Q. Will I have a job when I move?

A. Yes. You will be set up in medical practice and will have privileges as appropriate at the local hospital.

Q. Where will I live? How will I find a home?

A. The MFA Relocation Office has entered into an exclusive arrangement with a real estate company in each area. Mortgages will be available at prime minus one from a national bank; no qualification is necessary. All loans are guaranteed by the Department of Homeland Security (another component of the legislation described above). You will give MFA HQ a power-of-attorney to either rent or sell your home, as necessary. You will receive all proceeds of renting or selling the property.

Q. Will this move hurt my income?

A. No. Thanks to the generosity of Merck, the income of every doctor who participates in this plan is guaranteed not to drop below his or her 2005 income for the first three years in your new location.

Q. I live in Nashville and I have been told that I have to move to (Hammertoe, Mississippi) (Lizardlick, Arkansas) (Holeaboveground, Virginia)? That is not exactly the lifestyle my spouse and I envisioned when I took up the practice of medicine.

A. Everyone has to make some sacrifices to get greedy trial lawyers out of our lives. However, to make matters easier, Pfizer has agreed to sponsor one trip to the American city of your choice for you, your spouse and children each year to participate in cultural events of your choosing. Also, MFA's Office of Excessive Consumption has worked out arrangements with all major stores in the nation to send goods to any MFA participant without shipping charges or sales tax. Goods may be viewed through a special Internet portal developed just for MFA members.

Q. I am not concerned about good shopping - I'm concerned about my employees and my patients. What about them?

A. A doctor from another state will be moving in and will take over your practice. That doctor will make sure that your employees continue to work and earn a good living.

Q. Now just a minute. I thought I was moving because I "can't stand the pressure of practicing medicine in a state without caps on non-economic losses and limitations on fees for greedy trial lawyers." Now you are telling me that I have to move and that someone else will be coming into my office and taking over my practice. Doesn't that mean that by the time the big shuffle is over there will be the same number of doctors in Tennessee as there was when the big shuffle started?

A. Yes. Actually, there will be more - we will have a bunch of folks coming out of residency programs at the end of June who will begin private practice in Tennessee.

Q. Won't somebody figure that out?

A. No, not before damage caps are passed and greedy trial lawyers are under price controls. Think about - the Tennessee Legislature fell for the notion that the standard of care is different in Cleveland, Ohio than it is in Nashville. This will be easier than it might appear.

Q. But won't it be obvious to some number of legislators that this is all a ruse?

A. Oh, some of the bleeding heart liberals under control of greedy trial lawyers will whimper about it. We will deny any wrongdoing. And, we will produce a report from an independent not-for-profit foundation; that report explains that doctors have moved from Tennessee for because it has not adopted necessary tort reform measures and that there is no credible evidence to suggest that it was as a result of a coordinated effort by any organization.

Q. You already have the report?

A. Yes. Hey, we weren't born yesterday.

Q. Can I ever come back to my home in Tennessee?

A. Not until caps and fee restrictions are passed and the legislation is found to be constitutional. If that occurs, we will try to get you back if funding for this program is still available.

Q. You know, I really don't like this idea. I think I'll just stay here.

A. Sorry, you can't. The last time you paid your dues you agreed to pay $250,000 in liquidated damages if you failed to follow "AMA rules as they are adopted from time to time." This is an AMA rule. You are moving.

Q. I didn't see that in my dues statement.

A. It was there. On the back. In 4-point type.

Q. I'm not moving - I'll sue.

A. You can't. You agreed to binding arbitration. The arbitration will be held before 17 arbitrators, eight chosen by each side and the final arbitrator to be chosen by the 16 designated arbitrators. The arbitration will be held at the Clock Tower Inn in Rockford, Illinois. The loser pays all expenses of arbitration. Our arbitrators are busy; you can get a hearing in about 37 months.

Q. This is an outrage. I am going to the press with this. They will destroy your little plan.

A. No you won't. You signed a Confidentiality Clause. The liquated damages penalty on it is $500,000. Your spouse signed the same thing on the Auxiliary Membership Renewal, so that tenants by-the-entirety thing does not protect your home. Any dispute over the terms of the Confidentiality Clause is also subject to arbitration, and our lawyer eats pit bulls for lunch. The loser pays and our lawyer charges $580 per hour. And, by the way, our lawyers have told us that a doctor who breaches a confidentiality clause may not be fit to practice medicine.

Q. For an organization that doesn't like lawyers you sure seem to use them.

A. We like our lawyers.

Q. So, I guess I'm moving.

A. Your cooperation is much appreciated.

________________________________________________________________
What is a Sunday Spoof?

The National Association of Wrongdoers ("NAW") gave Vice President Cheney its "Sharpshooter Award" last night at its annual convention. The theme of the meeting, held at the Ritz Carlton in Bermuda, was "Invest in America."

The Sharpshooter Award is given as appropriate to the American citizen who best demonstrates the characteristics of Aaron Burr.

Charles Winthrop Hamilton VI, President of NAW and CEO,COO,CFO and President of American International Metals, Inc., LLC ("AIM") commented that the Vice President had achieved great success in American politics and was viewed as a "hawk" by the world despite the fact that he refused to serve in the military himself. "This is a real stroke of genuis," Mr. Hamilton remarked. "If the Vice President had brought these skills to Madison Avenue rather than Pennsylvania Avenue we would all be drinking New Coke. A man who can successfully attack the patriotism of John Kerry and Max Cleland while bearing more student deferments than Abby Hoffman has got a real gift."

"And the Halliburton - Iraq thing," said Hamilton, "how do you pull something like that off? Multibillion dollar no-bid contracts to the corporation you headed before you went back to the public sector? I am telling you, the man is gifted."

"Of course, all of those things all pale in comparison to the events of last weekend," explained Hamilton. "The Vice President managed to shoot a lawyer, the fantasy of every NAW member. In the face. With a shotgun. Simply amazing."

When told that the victim was a friend of the Vice President, Hamilton remarked "that is the real genius of it. It is hard to sneak up on those slippery bastards without the cover of friendship. And, of course, without it they might shoot back. You know how they are."

The Vice President was unable to personally accept the gift (a life-sized, autographed Charlton Heston action figure bearing the Ten Commandments in one hand and an Uzi in the other) because he was speaking at a meeting of the American Bar Association in Des Moine. His speech, "Why the President Must Have the Power to Listen to Your Telephone Calls With Foreigners Without the Interference of a Pesky Liberal Federal Judge Who Insists on Following an Outdated Federal Law Passed By A Congress Full of Liberals and Signed into Law by a Georgia Cracker Who Was in the Military But Who Admitted to Lusting in His Heart over Women Other Than His Wife" was well-received by both attendees (who were wearing Kevlar body armour).

The Vice President did issue this statement, however. "I am deeply sorry that Mr.Whittington attempted to throw himself between the pellets gently propelled from my small-gauge weapon and the pesky, crop-destroying creatures I was attempting to harvest. Had I known that Mr. Whittington was one of those nutty PETA liberals I would not have accepted his invitiation to join him on a hunting trip. I am confident that Mr. Whittington will accept full responsibility for his actions as soon as he is able to speak."

The statement added the following: "I am not worthy of the NAW's Aaron Burr-inspired Sharpshooter Award. My achievements pale in comparison to his."

Cheney left Des Moine to attend a ceremony of the opening of the first oil well in Glacier National Park.

__________

What is a Sunday Spoof?

Past Spoofs

President George W. Bush attacked "greedy trial lawyers" again Saturday, explaining that frivilous lawsuits caused millions of Americans not to have ready access to Krispy Kreme and other brands of doughnuts.

Speaking at the 114th annual National Association of Doughnut Manufacturers and Retailers Convention in Sweetwater, Texas, the President explained that 7398 counties in America did not have a Krispy Kreme store. "The only possible explanation for this travesty is stupid lawsuits against the sellers of these wonderful doughnuts. We must get greedy trial lawyers out of the kitchens making up this important industry."

When asked to identify a single lawsuit against a doughnut manufacturer or retailer, the President wiped some jelly off the corner of his mouth and explained that he was sure that read about some of these lawsuits "on the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal. Or maybe Sports Illustrated." But, he said, "it makes no difference whether there are any lawsuits yet or not. You and I both know that they are coming. By the way, pass me one of those with the peanut crumbles on it, will ya?"

A Bush aide quickly handed the President a press release, which pointed out that just two years ago there was a claim paid by a California doughnut manufacturer. The lawsuit alleged that someone found a small bolt in what was supported to be an apple fritter. According to the press release, the manufacturer was forced to settle the case, paying $2000 for a new crown and giving the claimant a coupon for a dozen glazed doughnuts and a large cup of coffee. "Clearly a fraudulent claim," said the President. "I am surprised that she didn't say she found a finger in it."

Bush also explained that during a recent golf outing at Pebble Beach the president of a doughnut manufacturing concern told him that she had raised the price of doughnuts because of the threat of litigation, and a CEO mentioned over cocktails at the Four Seasons in San Francisco that his company had ordered a cut back in the amount of powdered sugar for its powdered sugar doughnuts to build up reserves to meet anticipated litigation expenses.

When pressed about whether his proposed reforms would decrease insurance costs or increase powdered sugar on powdered sugar doughnuts, the President got visibly angry. "This isn't about that," he said, "it is about access to doughnuts. We have to ensure that every man, woman and child has ready access to fried dough products. Do you see any bear claws around here?"

"In fact," the President added, "I have heard that people are getting out of the doughnut business all together because of the threat of litigation. There was an 87 year old man who sold the factory he had run for over sixty years because of lawsuit abuse. We are losing the best minds in the doughnut business because of the actions of greedy trial lawyers."

At the urging of the White House, this reporter called the Association of Trial Lawyers of America in Georgetown to inquire about doughnut litigation activities. A spokeswoman for ATLA looked somewhat confused at the request for a comment, but denied the existence of a Doughnut Litigation Group, saying "our only connection to doughnuts is that we serve them at every seminar."

The White House responded to ATLA's denial with anger. "It is no surprise to any decent American to learn that lawyers would eat doughnuts by day and sue doughnut manufacturers by night."

_________________________________

What is a Sunday Spoof?

President Bush admitted today that he authorized the National Security Agency and the Central Intelligence Agency to listen to telephone calls to and from restaurants that serve pizza. "We must keep our nation free from future terrorist attacks," argued the President, "and we have irrefutable evidence that two of the 9-11 terrorists ate pizza three days before that dark day in our nation's history."

A reporter from National Public Radio asked the President about the millions of calls being intercepted every day from Americans interested in doing nothing more than ordering a pizza. The President reminded her that honest people have nothing to fear from wiretaps, and then recommended that the next time she ordered a large, four-cheese pizza from Guido's on Dupont Circle she should ask for a free order of breadsticks.

Locked Nest Mobster
By
Howard H. Vogel
Guest Spoofer

Nashville, Tennessee - December 18, 2005

Anonymous sources high up in the Bredesen administration announced today a break through in the Food for Tickets investigation that spans the administrations of four Tennessee governors. In a recent raid upon a locked janitors closet at a Department of Safety facility in Nashville, an elderly and morbidly obese highway patrol officer was found amid hundreds of traffic citations and acid reflux medication bottles.

For years, the officer, whose name is being withheld at this time, pending notification of his primary care physician, maintained his food for tickets operation out of this hidden calorie command post. Cleverly marked "janitors closet", the room is thought to have been functioning otherwise unnoticed for over 15 years.

The first reported incident was during the McWherter administration and referred to as the "chicken fried steak for ticket incident". It was reported by an out of state traveler, who was stopped near Alamo, Tennessee, and offered a waiver of a freshly written citation for a chicken fried steak dinner at a nearby roadside restaurant. An earlier report of foie gras for a ticket incident during the Alexander administration was considered unfounded.

Internationally known food for tickets profiler Chick Van Slick was recently retained by the Bredesen administration to assist in the investigation. Van Slick was able to lead the team of investigators to the trooper's fast food lair after a month of analysis of available reports. It seems that the scam had matured to focus around Davidson County Interstate exits with nearby McDonald's. Always involving out of state travelers, a pattern developed with a recurring encounter theme of "you deserve a break today". One bold motorist attempted a variation and offered a sack of Krystal hamburgers instead, and was actually given the traffic citation by what was reported as a very angry officer.

Van Slick, who broke the burritos for tickets criminal justice cartel in Southern California last year, said these food for tickets scams are common around the country. It is not your father's donut deal anymore. It gives new meaning to the phrase "blue light special".

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Howard Vogel is an excellent lawyer from lawyer who now focuses his practice on serving as a mediator. He has mediated over 1100 cases, including a significant number of the the most high profile cases in the State of Tennessee.
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Do you want to be a Guest Spoofer? Email your submission to jday@branhamday.com. Your 15 minutes of fame awaits!

A spokesman for Merck announced today that its scientists have discovered a link between between recent hurricane activity in the Gulf of Mexico and the lawyers that are suing the company over its multi-billion dollar drug, Vioxx.

"The scientists have Merck have determined that greedy trial lawyers are the cause of Katrina and Rita," Merck spokesman Phillip ("Flip") Glanton said in a press conference earlier today. "Congress must act immediately to stop greedy trial lawyers from filing frivilous lawsuits before the entire Gulf Coast is destroyed."

When pressed to explain the link between well-known Acts of God that have existed for centuries and trial lawyers, Glanton handed out a 215-page, single-spaced document that he said was prepared by Merck's best scientists. "Our team of scientists has found that a Category 4 hurricane did not hit New Orleans until after the Vioxx litigation was consolidated in the federal courts in New Orleans. Greedy trial lawyers filed the Vioxx lawsuits, and therefore they are the cause of Katrina. It is a scientific fact."

When asked how greedy trial lawyers caused Rita, Glanton pointed to the findings on page 134 of the report. "It is obvious. The Vioxx litigation was moved from New Orleans to Houston. Less than three weeks later, Houston suffered effects of Rita. Therefore, greedy trial lawyers caused Rita."

A Sunday Spoof is my occasional attempt to inject a little fun into my otherwise dull life that is overly consumed by the law. It is my attempt to have fun with the law and current events in a way that I hope will cause you to smile. I will accept and, as appropriate, post a Sunday Spoof from a Guest Spoofer; send your submission to jday@branhamday.com.

This portion of the blog is 100% fiction. It is not meant to educate. It is meant to entertain, a goal it may not accomplish. Everything said here is a complete fabrication.