President Confirms Wiretaps of Pizza Restaurants

President Bush admitted today that he authorized the National Security Agency and the Central Intelligence Agency to listen to telephone calls to and from restaurants that serve pizza. “We must keep our nation free from future terrorist attacks,” argued the President, “and we have irrefutable evidence that two of the 9-11 terrorists ate pizza three days before that dark day in our nation’s history.”

A reporter from National Public Radio asked the President about the millions of calls being intercepted every day from Americans interested in doing nothing more than ordering a pizza. The President reminded her that honest people have nothing to fear from wiretaps, and then recommended that the next time she ordered a large, four-cheese pizza from Guido’s on Dupont Circle she should ask for a free order of breadsticks.

Vice President Cheney also addressed the assembled group, reminding them the United States must be free to do whatever it takes to protect the security of the nation. A reporter from Fox News asked Cheney how long the wiretaps would continue and Cheney remarked “until the terrorist threat is eliminated, a task made more difficult by Senator McCain and those other liberals in the Senate.” He then mentioned to the reporter that the peppers and mushrooms the reporter liked on his sausage pizza were usually fresher at the Pizza Hut in Georgetown than they were at the Pizza Hut on Capitol Hill.

Coincidently, Halliburton announced today that it was opening a chain of pizza delivery stores called “Nobid’s” across the Nation. When asked how such a venture would relate to their core business model a Halliburton spokesman replied “we have recently been doing marketing research on the pizza-buying habits of American citizens and determined that we can serve the American public better, faster and less expensively than any of the existing businesses in the field. Our business model changes with the times and with the availability of and access to new information from the marketplace.”

When the Halliburton spokesman was asked whether the company was given access to wiretap data referred to by the President and the Vice President, the spokesman replied angrily: “Of course not! We are not a part of the government and do not have access to classified information. Then again, I wouldn’t expect someone who doesn’t have the intellect to use a coupon to buy a Thin Crust Supreme to understand how this Administration works.”


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